What I Say When I’m Not Speaking

People suffering any mental issues, especially depression would totally relate to this post but I, if possible, want people who are mentally okay to read(and understand) this.

This happens to me once in a while. I don’t speak a word for hours and people can count the words I utter in the entire day. Some understand why, others don’t. I am not speaking anyway. But, aside from I AM NOT OKAY, I want to tell them these:

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1. STOP TALKING TO ME

I want to yell. I want to scream. And screaming or yelling isn’t talking so it’s better if I don’t open my mouth at all. When I do, it’s like snapping and they wouldn’t like that. I live in a country where depression is being ignored. I don’t know if it’s intentional but people around me are just judgmental, or maybe that’s just what I see. But if I snap at someone, I know what would they say, I’m a snob and unpleasant so they just better stop talking to me.

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2. THIS ISN’T MY FAULT

Maybe it is, but that’s not what I feel. Stop blaming me. I want to talk. I want to be chatty like I normally do. But I just can’t. This is not my choice. When I try speaking while not being snappy, I feel like crying. So it’s better if I don’t just talk even if I want to. I can’t control it. People see me as a strong person and look at me as if nothing can break me down but there is.

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3. MY BRAIN SUCKS

No one will agree. My friends consider me as their adviser. Maybe because I’m a writer (aspiring) and seriously, writers know what to say every time, in every situation. What they don’t know is that I hate my brain. It’s unfair. I get to say the right words to other people but not to my self. This seems like self-pity but self-pity is easily curable, my state isn’t. It’s as if inside my brain there is an old insecure friend that keeps coming back. Or like an ex-boyfriend who just can’t move on over me. It’s annoying.

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4. STOP TELLING ME I SHOULD UNWIND

I’ve tried that. I grew up in a province and I’ve watched the sunset thousand times, even the sunrise. I’ve watched birds flying under the blue sky and above the blue sea. I’ve breathed the freshest air there was in my place. It’s not that easy. What works for others might not work for me. Unwinding might have just worsen it since hello, depressed people hate life, and when I step out of my room, that’s what I see-Life. 

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5. THIS ISN’T MIGRAINE

It is curable, they say. Then why am I still like this? I really hope those pills work. Or those blog posts that says ‘ten ways to overcome depression’ works. They don’t. If I would be given a chance I would pluck out that old friend in my brain and kill it. It isn’t easy. It isn’t migraine that I can just sleep it off, or take some capsule.

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6. I’M BEING SELFISH, I KNOW

I can’t help it, I’m sorry. When I’m depressed it feels like I just want everyone to understand ME. I hate it that they don’t care. Why wouldn’t they care? Can’t they see? The thing is I know it’s not their fault either. I’m just being cynical. And now I feel like I am not the friend or family they deserve. It’s better to die.

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7. I’M TIRED (EXHAUSTED EVEN)

Let me rest. Seriously, it’s not just my brain, my heart is tired, my body is exhausted. I am drained. I don’t know what to do. It feels like all my enthusiasm and motivation are all gone. Know why depression leads to self-mutilation? Because we want to feel anything physically. Because we are so tired inside. Or sometimes, we’re too tired we became numb and we want to feel SOMETHING. I don’t know how to explain this but all I want to do is rest. LET ME REST PLEASE. I AM BEGGING.

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8. I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE AND THAT SOMEONE IS ME

I’ve been battling depression since I was young. And it’s a miracle I am still alive. I always feel like my life isn’t worth it. My life is not important. I don’t have a value so what’s the point. I want to stop feeling all these. I want to die. The first time I cut myself was when I was twelve. Luckily, the blade I got was a little rusty and blunt so I didn’t succeed cutting any deadly vein. The scars on my wrists almost faded now, but the reason why I did it, is still very much alive.

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Be more sensitive and more observant. Maybe someone around you is battling depression or something else and you don’t know. And if you don’t know, how can you be careful with them right? Or maybe you have someone you love who’s battling with depression, make them feel loved and accepted. Try to understand them. Or be more sensitive. Give them more attention, a little unfair, I know. But you see, Depression isn’t something that we can leave at home or keep in our closet whenever we go out. It’s with us, whether we like it or not. It’s like a leech that crept on our skin sometime long ago and never left us. Just sucking every bit of us and it feels like it won’t leave until it sucks nothing anymore. Until we’re dead.

Hope I’m wrong in that last part…

I don’t have a phone number or anything anyone can call when they need someone to talk to. But if you want, you guys can reach out to me. I’m still battling with depression but most of the times, I’m fine. And like I said, I always know the right words to say to other people but not to myself. So I can give advise. And I think the only people who can understand someone with depression are the ones experiencing it too. Let’s help each other.